The Healthy Brain

I was really tossing up on whether I should post this one. I don’t know it’s so raw but I think it’s important to keep it real. The title is literally how I felt when writing it so here goes.

Well what a week, making it a bit more personal this week. Hoping those closest to me do not read this one. So…what happened? Well…. Not that much but a lot. As you may know or may not my mum has dementia. She is the later stages and me and my sisters manage her care between us. We are luckier than some in that there are four of us and each of us step up in different ways. We help each other with mum, we talk to each other about how hard it is and sometimes we vent and cry and whatever. This week mum has been unwell, like other than her dementia. But she doesn’t know how to articulate how she is feeling. She just keeps telling me she is sick and she is not making it up. I will say to her “What’s wrong mum? where does it hurt?” Her answer is I don’t know but I am sick. This is something she says not once and not twice but on repeat all day. Now I know that she is feeling like shit it is obvious and I try to soothe her pain with pain relief medicine and as is my inclination the natural stuff, I will turn to lemon balm or I will give her CBD oil sometimes too. It just depends on how she seems as she has become more sensitive to CBD OIL as she gets older. She could tolerate the CBD oil a lot more a few years ago, as she gets older and a little more frail it affects her more. So I use that as a last resort. Anyway getting back to the story it was hard, and I am sure some of you are thinking what is the problem? At least she still has her mum, be grateful or whatever and I am I AM!But Damn it sometimes its friggin hard and I struggle, in actual fact today is Monday and I am feeling fragile, like someone has used me as a boxing bag. is that a thing? It HAS TO BE because I am feeling it, my physical being is hurting. I miss my mum, I miss her and I pity her and I am mourning her, the mother she was. It is hard to explain to someone who doesn’t know it by living it. Sometimes she will say to me when will this dementia be over and I will say to her soon mum you will get over it soon. But mostly I mourn because under her breath I hear her asking God to take her, she fucking hates it and I do too. She hates being a burden, with all her being. She is one of those women, like most of us that detests being taken care of especially by her kids. I don’t know what else I want to say here. Except it is hard it was hard and I know it’s going to get harder. Mum well she is not the mum I grew up with, but sometimes when I catch her on a good day (can’t really say day it’s more like hour) and she is ok, I see her…

and it makes my heart melt, when I call out “good morning mum I’m here”

and she says “oh your here with a smile in her voice I didn’t know you were coming good morning sunshine.” It reminds me of my mum.

Merry Christmas all! Please do me a favour and enjoy the moments, enjoy them all because that are fleeting but they are so special and memories are great but being there is even better xxxx